Hold on, you defended Battlefield Earth for 20 minutes? That is a level of commitment I have never seen in my life. I would have thrown more than popcorn honestly. But the part about every scene committing fully is dead on. That movie never once winks at the camera or acts like it knows its bad, and that is rare. Most bad movies are bad because nobody cared. That one is bad because everybody cared way too much, and somehow that makes it watchable.

That line about the staple gun bouncing on old hardwood hiding under three layers of crap hit way too close to home. I ran into the same mess in a place over in Springfield and what finally worked for me was to stop fighting the floor and float it instead, lay down 1/4 inch plywood over the whole closet with construction adhesive and screws into the joists, then tack into that like it was a brand new subfloor. It costs you some height at the door but you can shim the threshold easy and the tack strip actually holds. The other thing I learned the hard way is to check for level before I even quote the job, because a closet that bad means the whole room is probably out too. Some floors you can save and some you just have to cover up and move on, no shame in it.